Monday, July 28, 2014

several years later

I last wrote about my life in 2009, when our house was up for sale. I didn't even realise I'd kept going for so long. I notice I express my frustration with the Bible and organised religion in no uncertain terms, yet recent events have made prayer a very powerful relief for me.

I won't even attempt to summarise what's happened in the last five years or so. It's been an often unbearable time for me, and yet I am still here, still active, still healthy, and still as prickly as ever. I just wish Debbie were here to share it with me, even though we were selling the house so that we could go our separate ways (while remaining married and I'm sure regularly in in contact).

Very suddenly, before the harsh winter of 2009-2010 had entirely released its icy grip, she died. In just a few hours the woman I lived with for all those years and who seemed to be at her peak in so many ways was gone. I can't at the moment bring myself to dwell on that appalling time and its aftermath.

Suffice to say that the house remains in my possession and many of Debbie's things are just where they were. I can't bear to let her leave the house, even though she is gone. At the very young age of 48 with no warning, no chance for her to make her peace with the world -- nothing. Her computer was mid-task, pages open, emails about to be sent. She certainly didn't deserve this. She was a carer, a vital, loving person with so so much to give. But death is arbitrary. There's no rhyme or reason why she had to go, she just did, and I miss her for myself and grieve constantly for all that she missed. Somehow I need her to be alive and experiencing life so that I can experience it too.

It's hard to say and I have had many blessings in the intervening years, but coming to terms with death is one of the hardest tests of all. I haven't passed.

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